Sunday, December 13, 2009

You read many books, many words, many lines yet few of them stay in your mind and even fewer words make you feel wistful and nostalgic.. This poem was a part of my English class in school and it has been a favorite of mine ever since

A boat beneath a sunny sky


A boat beneath a sunny sky,
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July

Children three that nestle near
Eager eye and willing ear
Pleased a simple tale to hear

Long has paled that sunny sky
Echoes fade and memories die
Autumn frosts have slain July

Still she haunts me phantom wise
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes

In a wonderland they lie
Dreaming as the days go by
Dreaming as the summers die

Children yet, the tale to hear
Eager eye and willing ear
Lovingly shall nestle near

Ever drifting down the stream
Lingering the golden stream
Life, what is it but a dream?

Lewis Carroll

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I haven't blogged for quite a while now. Perhaps I could offer reasons like being busy but the truth was that I was just running around like a headless chicken without having a clue about what I am doing. It seems like I am busy all the time without getting anything done. I wonder what is wrong.. Have I got my priorities all mixed up or is it just that I have really too many things to be done? What with the applications, my final year project, my recos, SOPs and in all the confusion CAT has crept up on me so fast. I won't offer excuses. I could have done more but I didn't which is starting to bug me as the D-day nears.


Realistically speaking,for now all I can hope for is to do my other management tests well. In the meanwhile I have my third internal assessments in which I should do really really well or end up with an even lower CG and there is hardly any respite between my internals and semesters. It really is a bugging semester and to top it all off, my resolve to be detached from all emotional tangles has hardly held firm. When will I ever learn not to be so emotional?

On a funnier note, one of my friends asked me why I blog about sad things all the time and if I had nothing happy to speak about. It was a real eye opener. My answer was " I think I express sadness more eloquently than happiness.." Stupid answer really..A promise I made myself then was that I would not speak about sad things all the time. Yet this is precisely what I have done this time too.Really can't help it :(

Update on TOEFL : I got 116 :)

Until next time,
Bella

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Have you ever felt so angry and helpless that all you want is to run away to some place where no one can hear you and scream all your frustration away? What is it that hurts so much when the people who mean so much to you simply ignore you? Should we be understanding when they have their problems? Even if it hurts when each action is a thorn in your heart reminding you that there are distinctions that you had convinced yourself didn't exist?

No one has any idea of how much it hurts to stand on the periphery and watch things go by without you. Does the fact that you are not vocal about what you feel an excuse to treat you as if you were invisible even when you make it obvious that you are furious? Is it too much to expect people you think are close to sit with you and talk? Is it wrong to get tired of asking people to share? Sharing is something that you want to do spontaneously with someone..If that spontaneity is missing from that person, is it any wonder that you start feeling reluctant?

Standing outside a circle is hard. Even more so when you realise that your anger, sorrow, indifference and assorted other feelings dont elicit a response. Expressing what you feel isn't an option when all that runs through your mind is "What the hell.. they don't give a damn anyway" when you wonder if you are the last priority in all that is going on at one time and at other times you think all that is raging inside you is nothing but an reflection of feeling sorry for yourself.. It makes you want to rage at everyone and run away to a place where you just don't have to feel anymore..

P.S. It feels really bad when you have to indulge yourself in virtual screaming when you know that a few bouts of one-one screaming will make the blues go away and perhaps, just perhaps solve everything.

Until next time,
Bella

Friday, October 9, 2009

TOEFL scare :(

I have my TOEFL exam tomorrow and to be honest, I dont think I have prepared as much as I could have. I dont know even now if I have prepared enough. I would run and hide somewhere if I get a bad score. The only thing that is keeping me away from a panic attack is that it is English based. I kept telling myself "Dont worry.. it is english.." but on the other hand now I wonder if I have been complacent..I am arguing both sides of the question now :( Symptoms of sliding into panic..

Hope I do well tomorrow..
Keeping fingers crossed,

Until next time,
Bella

Monday, October 5, 2009

  1. Why is that some people just skip over unpleasant things and pretend that it never happened? It seems as if they don't give a damn what the other person thinks anyway. Occupies a place in my list of "things I hate".
  2. Is it really true that if you are around happier and confident people that you feel better too? Or is it one of those weird pschyological things?
  3. Which is better- to be the last priority to people you love and care about a lot or to have no one to either care for or care about you at all?
  4. Why is that that people who understand your silence and denials that your "nothing is wrong" indeed means "something is wrong" so few and so hard to come by?
  5. It is scary to tell what we feel in the deepest corners of our heart. Is it wrong to expect those closest to us to take initiative atleast until we are sure enough?
  6. Why is that something nags you inside, as if something is missing, someone could have said more, done more even when part of you knows it is stupid to expect everyone to be an literal antenna picking up whatever you feel?
  7. Last but not the least, why does it hurt so much when reminded of a friendship you had lost but thought you had gotten over with.. even when you know it was the best thing to have done what you did at that time?
Until next time,
Bella

Friday, October 2, 2009

As far as outings go, today is one of the days I will surely cherish for a long time to come. It was ( as of when I am writing this, it still is ) Rev's bday. It bears the dubious distinction of the birthday baby knowing everything from the gift we planned to get to the place we planned to go. in fact, she was the person who suggested the place :P

We started out at nearly ten. Took a bus to Dakshin Chitra on the ECR road. The travel would have been fun if we had not been standing for the whole time. The journey became even more irritating because of one person on the bus. Seriously I never understand why people want to broadcast their whole life while speaking on mobile. In half an hour, I think I knew almost all her family's problems. Literally felt like snatching the cell phone and throwing it out of the window. At such times I can't decide if cell phones are a convenience or a nuisance.

Our time in Dakshin Chitra can be divided into two unequal parts.. Shopping and sight seeing. Shopping being the greater part :P I was under the impression that we ll just shop around for a while and move on but the shops were really irresistable. No matter how hard we tried, the shops seemed to exert an inexplicable pull on us and not to mention our purses which shed a lot of weight :)

We bought a lot of things.. Walked around and around the same shop.. The best part was not the buying in itself but the bargaining. It was so much fun naming a price nowhere near what the shopkeeper originally quoted and watch him getting down to that price. Finally we decided we weren't going to see any of the houses there if we stayed there and somehow dragged ourselves away from the shops. It is really a must see place for someone who loves culture and history.

There were a lot of fun activities there too- basket weaving, mehendi , pottery, prediction and so many more... Basket weaving was fun. I didn't do it personally but two of my friends, Swarna and Krithika did and it was fun watching them do it. I really regretted forgetting my camera :( The patti who was supposed to teach us how to weave sure talked a lot :) we didn't get to do too many of those activities. This time our stomach exerted an explicable pull on us. All that activity and we were famished. Had a great lunch or perhaps it tasted great just because we were so hungry.

With our stomach full now, we found enough strength for few more rounds of bargaining. And we bought a whole lot more. Nothing highlights our purchase better than the words of the shopkeeper who said he was going to pack up his shop and go home because he had enough sales for one day !!

And that was it for the day. Tired and exhausted, we trudged back. Undoubtedly one of the best days ever :)

P.S. I had an AIMCAT today. Not much to tell about that though. :P

Until next time,
Bella

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Yay :) The zeroth review is not tomorrrow after all. It is next week which is great. I have more than enough time to prepare for it. Today was sitting with my project mate Vaish and browsing for the FYP. Felt great to do something useful after a long while :P Have to submit a write up to sir. I must say something pricked me when Sir said we better pick up our pace of work. That something was obviously a guilty conscience :(

I wonder how I have such profound mood swings. One minute down in the dumps and next minute so buoyant. Some people are likely to think I am raving mad. There is a small project that we are supposed to submit for lab tomorrow. I hardly had any recollection of it until one of my friends asked me if I am going to do it. Speaks volumes about how sincere I am about the project :P

I must say not much idea of doing it. I hope we all escape tomorrow :)

Until next time,
Bella


P.S. It feels great to know you have people to care about you even if you act like the most horrible person in the whole world.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I wonder why it is only when you are sitting relaxedly thinking that you have no work to be completed urgently that something really really urgent comes up to strike terror in your heart. Here I was under the impression that our final year project's ( henceforth referred to as FYP ) zeroth review was not until next week and suddenly talks are flying around that it is day after tomorrow..

I am least prepared for it and it scares me. I don't want to end up as one of those people whose topic is rejected as being very simple. I am hoping that it is just a rumour and anxiously waiting for confirmation that it is so.

Unfortunately if the project review is day after, I want to do nothing better than this- run away, hide somewhere and never come out until Time somehow magically skips the day after..

Until next time,

Bella

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Most of the people I know have a cliched definition of honesty. It is most commonly defined as not to steal, being sincere in your work and in short it is always spoken about in relation to mundane everyday things. What about honesty in emotions? As far as I am concerned, it is the least bothered about kind of honesty and yet the most important of them all.

All of us, in one way or the other are defined by the people we surround ourselves with. Be they friends or enemies, our emotions towards them are the reason behind our actions. In expressing those emotions, how honest should we be?

It really depends on what kind of a person you are. Some people are not brave enough to tell the truth when it comes to emotions. If someone asks you how much they mean to you and this person is someone whom you care about a lot, then there is no room to be dishonest. You tell what you feel and the person goes away feeling happy that they mean so much to you.

Here is where the sin of omission ( a HUGE sin according to me ). Why do you want to hedge around the fact that some people mean more to you in some ways than they do? Granted, it may hurt people knowing that they weren't as important as they thought but it is far better than finding out later. It irritates me to no end when I find that people arent honest in this. I once read somewhere that to hide the truth is akin to lying. How true it is..

You may get away with lying about your emotions one twice thrice, but one day your actions will speak out louder than your words and by the time they do, too much damage will have been done to even try repairing it. Truth may hurt, but it is much much better than having your heart broken at a later stage.

Until next time,
"You will truly hurt someone only when you promise them something that you cannot give"

Monday, September 7, 2009

Just a thought

A company came to our college for placements today. I felt little lazy to reach college by 8 yet somehow managed it. The pre placement talk was a bore as usual and I let my mind wander off. It struck me that I was sitting in the same place I had sat for the placements earlier and they didn't turn out so well. I am a bit superstitious. Anyway lets see how it goes today. Third time lucky maybe?

That is not the point of the post though. As I was just recollecting things, I though about how I had performed in the last few placements. There were few companies that I was really looking forward to getting into and I did the tests with a lot of interest but I would not honestly say that I worked hard for them.

I put a lot of passion into those attempts and they didn't turn out so well. Few wise people suggested that I should stop expecting results and just do my best and leave everything to luck. I was and I still am sceptical. Isn't everything about heart? How can you want something so bad if you are not excited or enthusiastic about the results and the ensuing happiness that you will experience? It really seems contradictory to not want things with all your heart.

One great thing is that I got through to the GD round :) I didn't do well but I am happy I made it through to the GD round. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best for the future..

Until next time,
Follow your heart, be quiet for a while. ask the questions, then feel the answers. Learn to trust your heart for it will never lead you astray..

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Must see movie

I wanted my next post to be about something that touched me or affected me in a profound way. There is this movie that I watched long back called "The Deep End of the Ocean". I still remember sitting at my home and flipping channels looking for something interesting to watch and I came upon this movie which seemed to interest me.



I didn't get to watch the movie from the beginning when I first saw it but the I vividly recall the scene from which I started watching. It was the scene in which the police go to the home of George to inform him that his son Sam whom he lovingly raised all these years is really Ben Cappadora, who was kidnapped by his wife during her high school reunion.

Before I go into too much details about each scene, I'll just tell about the movie briefly. The Cappadoras are a close knit family. Pat Cappadora is the father and he owns a restaurant. Beth is a housewife and also a successful photographer. They have a son, Vincent who is as rebellious as they come in their teenage years and their younger daughter Kerry. Their younger son Ben went missing years ago when Beth attended her high school reunion and though they seem to have gotten over it, it has left a deep scar in Beth especially who held herself responsible for losing her son. One fine day, a young boy Sam turns up on their doorstep asking to mow their lawn and he bears an uncanny resemblance to her long lost son, Ben. Beth takes photographs and shows them to her husband and Detective Bliss who initiates an investigation and finds out that Sam is indeed her son Ben.

Ben is returned to the Cappadoras and the story is about how the family copes with up with Ben's return and how Ben is torn between his loving father who is devastated as it is and his biological parents whom he hasn't known at all until now.

The great thing about the movie is that it is not a sentimental tearjerker. It is so poignant in the way it portrays the feelings of each person. Beth, who feels relief at finding her son anguish when he is troubled and not able to fit into the family, Pat who can't comprehend the fact that Ben misses the only father he has known for all his life, Vincent who loves his brother just as much as anyone can but holds himself responsible for letting go of his brother's hand years ago and feels angry and deprived of his mom's love while she grieved over Ben's loss and Kerry who is blissfully ignorant of all the deep feelings running inside and welcomes Ben home without much fuss.

There were few scenes that touched me in particular. When Ben goes to visit Vincent in prison and tells him the only thing that he remembers from his brief childhood with the Cappadoras-getting locked up in a trunk during a game of hide and seek. Vincent asks him if he was scared and Ben says "No, I knew you will come find me".


Soon, Beth realises that things aren't working out and she decides that maybe Ben is better off with George after all and leaves him with his father much to the disappointment of Pat. Later that night, Vincent wakes up to find Ben in the courtyard shooting some hoops. He has his luggage with him and as Vincent talks with him,Beth and Pat watch them from the hall and the viewer realises that Ben has come home to stay after all.


I didn't know until recently that this movie was made from a book "The Deep End of the Ocean" by Jacquelyn Mitchard. Most movies made from books turn out to be a disappointment but if the movie is this good I am looking forward to reading the book soon. In short, if the words poignant and touching resonate with you, then this movie is a must see.

Until next time,
A film is - or should be - more like music than like fiction. It should be a progression of moods and feelings. The theme, what's behind the emotion, the meaning, all that comes later- Stanley Kubrick

P.S. This movie indeed exemplifies this quote!!

Monday, August 31, 2009

I was one among the many people who watched with interest as India took its first steps into hitherto uncharted territory in nearly 60 years of its independence. India's first unmanned mission into space, to the Moon precisely, was something of a dream for many who had assumed that such achievements were only limited to developed countries and the fact that Chandrayaan-I is indigenous is only even more impressive.

It was launched on October 22,2008 from the Satish Dhawan space centre, Sriharikota, Nellore district,Andhra Pradesh. The Moon Impact Probe (MIB) impacted the moon in November 2008 and India became one of the few countries which have achieved the feat of sending a spacecraft to the moon. The project leader for the Chandrayaan-I mission was Dr.Mylsamy Annadurai ( Imporant point please note : He is a Cancerian by the way just like me :P )

The mission objectives of Chandrayaan included analysis of the mineralogical composition of the moon among many others. It sent over 70,000 images of the moon before finally losing contact with Earth on August 29th,2009 due to failure of the star sensor. The mission came to a premature end in ten months instead of the expected two years but according to Mr.Annadurai, it completed 90-95% of its mission objectives. India's mission to the Moon may not be the newest thing in recent space advancements but it is certainly something that should make each and every Indian proud.



What is also heartening is the fact that India is already planning to send Chandrayaan-2 which will consist of a landing craft and a rover expected to have a life span of a month and there is even talk about a first Mars mission in 2012-2015. Hopefully I ll be a part of this interesting field within then.

Talking about shuttles and space on the other side of the world, the shuttle Discovery was launched a few days back. I was not keeping any tabs on the launches that NASA would be making and so I was pleasantly surprised to see news about the launch in the paper.


There was a picture too, a beautiful one of the shuttle taking off and I could imagine myself in the shuttle, strapped to my seat, the high G forces holding you down, the incredible rattling and finally the best part of it all.. to be able to see the Earth a giant blue ball suspended in vaccum with seemingly no support at all.. One day soon.. If not today then tomorrow is always there :)

Until next time,

Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world. . . .
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.

Alfred Lord Tennyson, 'Ulysses,' 1842.

.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The last month has been quite hectic. My GRE preparation and assessments and everything else kept me quite busy, which is why I could not write any posts for so long. A few of my assessments were good and few very bad but if there is one thing I am happy about for the previous month its my GRE scores. Got 1460 which I think is a pretty decent score and I have started my application process and I am sort of excited about the whole thing.

On the other hand,I started my preparation for the next exam and its not going so good. I performed horribly in one of the easiest mock CAT tests I took recently and the worst part is I messed up even verbal which irritates the hell out of me and they say this is a time when you have to start consolidating and improving your percentiles. My percentiles seems to be dropping down with each test I write which is scary and frustrating.

Placements are another story altogether. Thank God there is a lull in the schedule or else I would have only ended up getting even more depressed if I had not been able to do well in the placements. So many people keep asking me why I have to do so many things at one time. And my answer usually is that I do not want to lose out on any opportunities and this answer sometimes rings true and sometimes sounds so hollow to even my own heart. And I still am trying to find out whether I am the "Don't- lose-opportunities" type or "Too- scared- to- risk- everything- for- one- goal" type..

Until next time,

"Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. "- Leonard da Vinci

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Why is it that sometimes 24 hours seem too less for me to do everything that I have to do? Ya, I have heard about time management but I really cant figure out what it is simply because all the things that I have to do seem equally important or is it that I am simply too confused to sort out my priorities?

I was secretly hoping that the companies would not come for campus recruitment so soon.. Well partly because it would give me more time to prepare and mostly because it would be one thing I would not have had to worry about until late in the year. Until now, only one company has come.. Amazon. I think I was too frivolous about it. The written test was quite easy, nothing I could not have cracked had I been strong in my basics which I was obviously not. It didn't bother me much at that time, I even joked about forgetting things so simple but it was only when I came home that fear struck me... I imagined the situation I would be in if I took all tests this lightly.I think I have only myself to blame if that situation comes. Being stuck without a job scares me even though taking up a job is my last priority. I seriously have to pay more attention.

I am also writing my GRE exam this August. I have hardly a month to go and I think I am beginning to freak out slightly. Verbal , I could manage perhaps but Quants scares me always. I am better now with all the tests I have been doing but I dont know how the actual exam will be. Sometimes I think I am getting overconfident about verbal which scares me because I know I will be very disappointed if I dont do well in verbal not to mention a whole lot of other people who think I can ace verbal. This is something I want with all my heart and I would regret it all my life if I missed this opportunity.

I am writing CAT too and for now the preparations for it have been put in cold storage. The whole focus for the next few weeks is GRE but then I cant really ignore CAT too. I know people prepare for two years sometimes even longer before they attempt it and I know of people who have been writing it again and again in hope of getting that coveted IIM-A call. I am not sure if I will be that persistent at CAT and I want to do well in my first attempt. But atleast I can worry about it a little later.

Sometimes I wonder if I want everything and all at once but then I don't want to lose out on anything because I didn't even give it a try.

Last but not the least my internal assessments coming up next week. I wonder if I should really take it seriously this time.I know GRE is more important now but I wont be able to resist doing two things at once. And if I prepare for assessments its going to eat up lot of my GRE prep time and the end of assessments is going to leave me just a week from GRE exam date and assessment weeks always seem to move very very fast :( Even speaking about this makes me want to run away somewhere..

Really really hoping for the best...

Until next time,
"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination." -Tommy Lasorda

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I have been re reading my previous post and I wondered why on earth I wrote such a long post about school when that was not my intention at all. I didnt like my last post myself :( There were things that I wanted to say and somehow the whole post just ended up as too sentimental and nostalgia went a bit overboard. Hoping this post ll be better...

As I was saying in the previous post (believe it or not I covered only half my twelfth standard !!) elections were just over. I hardly remember what the next few months were like. Everything was a blur of tests. Soon enough, all the portions were over and it was time for the revision tests to begin. A few weeks before our half yearly exams were due to begin, we had our last P.T period. The teacher was unusually lenient and she left us to do what we liked. We just wandered around in groups and the period was almost over. I suppose thats when it suddenly struck everyone that we would never ever be as free again. Maybe we would have more freedom but undoubtedly it would come with the loss of innocence and in a sense we were stepping out of our safe shell...

And so, we all gathered around and I have no idea how it happened but we ended up singing a song about friendship( It was "Mustafa Mustafa" song and hearing that song even today reminds me of that day in school). Well, now it seems sort of childish to even say we did that and actually I was pretty embarassed even then but even so it was one of the most moving things I have ever experienced. No one cared that the bell rang and that we were supposed to be back in class for a test. I still remember walking back knowing that we would all grow different once we moved away and realising that things wont be the same anymore

Exams and what happened after that are a whole different story altogether. The things I miss most about school are many but if I had to mention something in particular it is this...when all that I had to worry about was if I would do well in my next test..I really miss that simple existence..but all the same, as Albus Dumbledore says "It doesn't do to dwell on memories".. but once in a while it is nice to look back and think about the things that were...

Until next time,
"When you miss something very much and you know you cant have it back, dont cry about it.. instead smile and be thankful that they happened"

Saturday, July 25, 2009

When people told me not to worry because school life was over and that the college years would be the best years of anyone's life,I remember looking at them as if they were mad. At that time it all seemed like a whole lot of just talk and nothing else. I had just finished school and I could not ever imagine how I could experience something more wonderful than my school. To be frank I have no idea what I did in school until my twelfth standard. And to think school was what I did for the longest part of my life. Fourteen years in the same school.. I have never thought much about it until I heard people say "Oh.. You are so lucky. I had to keep changing schools and there were friends I missed by changing schools".Frankly all this talk perplexed me because I didnt have a whole big gang of friends to show for my long years in the same school.

I made a few close friends and they mean a lot to me even now. Time and distance has not changed how I feel about them. They were people who could read my thoughts and find out why I was upset without me ever telling them. I never realised how big a thing that was until it was time to leave school. My final year in school was the one that created the memories that I treasure the most. It was hectic no doubt, what with running from tuition center to center writing tests, rushing to school and writing the same tests. It all seems a blur now.

Inspite of the hectic schedule, I had a few good laughs. I hated P.T period up until then but during that year I was one of the people who was most disappointed when P.T periods would get cancelled invariably because we had another test to write. I grew to love throwball. The thrill of judging where exactly to throw the ball, the elation that I felt when I scored a point,the feeling of happiness when we won a game and most importantly the camaraderie of a team were different things altogether. It was then that I really regretted for not getting involved in a sport. I realised that sports gave you a sense of fulfillment not unlike the heady feeling you get when you know that you have got the first rank!!! Just kidding....

Thinking about the sense of responsibility that I felt when our school principal called us at the beginning of the academic year and asked us to behave with dignity and remember that we were the "seniormost" in the school brings a smile to my lips. It seems so childish now. As if I was going to be responsible for the whole school.. Really childish..

The school elections, thats another thing I ll never ever forget in my whole life. The frentic activity for two days was something I enjoyed to the core of my heart. Eagerly waiting to find out who the nominees were, preparing charts upon charts thinking of words to write on them all the time, walking the corridors as if we owned them, putting up the charts making sure not even a single cellotape was in the wrong place and the best part of them all-campaigning. Empty bottles were in great demand then and so were whistles.. Both the students and teachers couldn't wait until the interval bell rang- well, we wanted to rush out into the corridors and shout ourselves hoarse and the teachers, I used to think they just wanted to escape the corridors before we started our campaigning..I wonder if they didnt have hearing problems later :)

I was never a big fan of shouting myself but I enjoyed watching the shouting very much. I loved putting up charts working out what we should do, how we should campaign... No wonder politics is such a lure for people. If a simple school election was this exciting what about real ones then? It really got me thinking.. Anyway the election day came. The prospect of a period getting cut and the prospect of voting.. I dont remember which excited me more :) and so all the votes were cast complete with the ink mark on fingers( Must have been Bril or Camlin ink.. I really cant remember and I still wonder!! But it did stay on for a day I think...)

The anticipation was literally killing. Lunch was over and results were expected any moment. All of us kept looking at the intercom hoping that the voice of our principal will come out of it any second to announce results. Teachers grew tired of asking us to listen to class. Finally the much anticipated results came and the screaming and shouting was unbelievable. The student I had wanted to win was elected the school pupil leader,SPL as we liked to say. It was a wonderful moment being part of something that big.

We even had the inaguration of our school parliament. The SPL,ASPL, the speaker, deputy speaker, sports minister and other assorted posts. Talking about this reminds me of my school magazine. I had promised myself I will keep it forever. Somehow I think I lost it.It would be nice to see those pictures again.

The oath taking ceremony was truly something inspiring for me at that time. To be in a position of power, more than power it was responsibility that interested me, to know that people came to you for answers and the confidence that you could somehow make a difference were things that I wanted for myself then and maybe even now but in a more mature and wise way than what I felt at that time. Back then I wanted to change the world, now I just want to make a difference in whatever way I can. Not too ambitious. As I am writing this I think wanting to change the world is fine but then I haven't done anything until now. Nothing to show that I want to make a difference. Well, wanting is never doing. It doesn't do to sit and dream while the whole world races ahead. I don't want to live a life which revolves only around me and my family. One day soon I hope I will have something to say about what I did and not what I thought of doing.

I have digressed from my point far enough I think.. but its just that talking about how I was makes me feel sad, happy and very lost at the same time. I am not the person that I once was and I am still trying to figure out if that is a good thing or a bad thing. All the same I would love to continue sharing my experiences but I guess I ll have to save it for the next post. I didnt know I had so much to tell and just so you know, I did try to write a short post!!

Until next time,
"Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely.."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

It has been a long time since my last post. I am still not sure why I didnt post for so long. Maybe its because I had too many things going on around me that I needed some time to just make sense of things. When I finally got down to writing, I kept wondering what I should write about and since I am a person ruled by emotions I thought thats what I should speak about
The past few weeks have been a complete whirlwind of emotions. Anger, sorrow, helplessness, fear, confusion and rarely very rarely that is, a glimmer of hope. It doesn't help at all sometimes being caught between a rock and a hard place.All those things made me think.. "Is emotion worth all this trouble? Don't emotions cloud your mind? They make you hesitate exactly at the moment when you should be taking a firm step forward"
Despite all such thoughts which come and go so often, especially when I am feeling so down at which times my most fervent prayer to every God is for a logical mind which can sort through situations and take the most sensible decision, I am basically someone who believes a lot in emotions. True there are times when I have hung on when I should have let go, when I sat and brooded over things I knew were long over and also times when people walked all over my feelings simply because I gave them one chance too many but all those times has not changed how I feel in any way.
There is nothing I dread more than to find that you have given someone too many chances and in the place where once affection and care and liking resided, you find that there is now pure contempt and indifference. It leads me to wonder if it is really possible to hate someone you once cared so much about. Well, as far as I am concerned it is possible when you come to find out that what you knew about the person was basically a lie and that there was nothing truthful in that relationship..But knowing that you were not at fault does nothing to make you feel better. On the contrary it only leaves you thinking " What else I could have done better?" Sometimes you know that that person does not merit even such thoughts and you understand that giving that person even a moment's thought is to degrade yourself. There is nothing wrong in trying your best to work out a relationship or stop a friendship from breaking apart even if it means that you have to put aside your insecurities and fears and show them how much you need and care for them inspite of your fear that they may not reciprocate.
What we may not realise is that there is a thin line between showing such deep care and foolishness. We try so hard and when all our efforts come to nothing we give up frustrated that a relationship we cared so much about is no longer what it was. It takes two hands to make a sound as is so often said but if you are foolish enough to try it with one there will be some sound no doubt but it is most likely the sound of your heart crying out in pain because it can take no more.There are times when you have to try your best because someone means so much to you and you feel that without them to share things with your life will be incomplete and you know that they hurt just as much as you inside. Such kind of people are those for whom you can walk to the ends of the earth.
On the other hand, there are people whom you care for so much but you end up being walked over on. You stay awake at nights because they felt bad and wanted someone to talk to, you remember their long lost friendships better than they do, you remember their daily schedules better than perhaps they ever will and you care about them so much that you give up all your small desires for them, desires as simple as them initiating reconcilation after a fight you have had. You ask for them to do it just once but they are so absorbed in themselves and their desires that you are left shedding tears in silence and you dont want to speak out as you dont want any irreparable things to happen. "I ll hold on a little longer.." is always what we feel. But when longer becomes forever your nights become hell as you struggle with having to be the one who always adjusts and the worst part.. they dont even realise your pain.
Such relationships are those out of which we have to walk out with our head held high.. We give up everything for them including our dignity, self respect turning away in silent tears when they so coldly stamp all over us yet they dont care. Such times are when we have to say " enough is enough". Yes, it is bound to be difficult at first when memories make you cry every now and then but it gets better and soon you will feel a sense of liberation that allows you to be who you really are. Ultimately it's upto us to understand that some people just aren't worth that much hurt. The sooner we realise that, the less hurt we are.

Until next time,
"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world; it's the beginning of a new life."

Friday, June 5, 2009

Being alone

Far far away..
Where no one holds sway
I wish I could be there
Away from here..

It is really a very frustrating morning. Is it too much to wish for just peace of mind? I feel like laughing out aloud now when I think of all the people wanting different things in life. I would settle happily for knowing that there is nothing I have to worry about and even if there were the security of knowing I have people around who ll help me through whatever troubles I have.
Right now, I am not sure where I stand and its driving me nuts really.
Its hard knowing that there is so much going on inside you and also knowing you would rather not share it with anyone else. Isn't there some place in the world where you can just be, just exist and not feel or be able to think?
I wonder who said "You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see but you cannot close your heart from things you do not want to feel".. I sure hope they are wrong for there is nothing more I want now than this.. A place to be alone..Just me and my thoughts..No one else...

Until next time..
“It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it”

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Have you ever felt down suddenly for no reason at all? You keep thinking as to what caused this hoping that if you found the reason you would feel better but instead all that you found were a dozen more reasons why you should be miserable? It happens to me quite often and it isn't always easy coming out from the deep places I fall into so easily..
I just kept thinking about it and then I felt.."Wouldn't it be easier if we could just speak out what we feel regardless of how it may make us look in other's eyes?". There are a few fortunate souls who do just that and also manage not to alienate anyone in the way. Expressing what you feel is really an art. Not many can speak out frankly,make their feelings heard and not leave a few broken hearts because of the words they spoke and even fewer people express their hurt because we don't have the courage to let others know that they have the power to hurt us. Most of us feel the longer we dwell on something that hurt us the weaker we are.
We may accept that we were hurt but sooner or later we tell everyone who knows it that we have gotten over it. And so we go on, with a big bright smile but inside it just hurts as much as ever. It never seems to get over completely. Memories are really a curse at such times. Maybe those memories are about a friend who you have lost touch with as you got busy with your life or maybe it is someone whom you loved and lost. It doesn't take much for all those memories to come rushing forward..
A song that you both enjoyed, a joke that you shared with your friend, when someone says the same thing that they used to, when you pass the place where you sat together for hours and shared your darkest secrets,the silly things you giggled over, the little looks you shared when someone said something amusing, when you have to do something alone which you have always shared doing with them in the past, even when someone so casually mentions their name without even knowing that you carry so many of their memories. It hurts so much that sometimes we wish there was some place where we can escape to where memories just don't exist.
There is so much we leave unsaid. Why we do so is not much of a mystery. Sometimes it is because we don't want to take the risk of getting hurt when they don't reciprocate what we feel, sometimes it is because you feel "Why should they know what I feel? They don't give a damn either way." or maybe the reason is that what you felt about them is changed forever as a result of how much you were hurt or because you want to show them that you can manage quite well without them to share things with.
No matter how much hurt we were, it fades with time. Only the time varies. "Time heals all wounds" maybe a cliche but there is no cliche which is more true than this is. There is a time when you are so angry and upset because someone you trusted hurt you so much but it passes. You may not feel the same way about them again but you start thinking about lots of "What ifs". What if I had taken more time to be with them, what if I had showed them clearly that I care instead of treating them as mind readers, what if I had been a little more patient instead of throwing out harsh words in a hurry, what if I had taken a risk and let them know how I felt knowing that they may not feel the same?" The list is endless.
When the wounds are raw there is nothing you want more than to get away from them but there will be a time when you just want to find out how they are doing. You may not want to be as close as you once were but then if you had truly cared about someone you always will and its hard to wish them harm even if they hurt you. But sometimes it is too late.
Things are damaged beyond repair and you know to even show that you dont wish them harm only degrades you because you never were as important and special to them as they were to you. But there will definitely be persons whom you lost because you were too scared to speak about what you felt.. In taking that risk you will always come out on top because if they do care about you they will be truly glad that you took the effort to show them that and perhaps you will earn a person who stays by you throughout your life and if they don't care you will have atleast the satisfaction of knowing that you put your best into the relationship and there is nothing that you could have done more. It may not be easy to move on but as I said we all learn in due time to live with the pain. Better that then having our life turn out to be an endless string of "What ifs"....
Until next time...
"What you feel about someone is better as words said to them than as words that just run through your heart when they are no longer with you.."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When you love someone deeply and they are everything you have dreamed of it never crosses your mind that some day things may change. They are your best friends, they stay by your side and the best thing of all it isn't necessary that you have to tell them what you feel. They just sense it. Being with them you feel silence is the best form of communication. I once read somewhere.. "True friendship is when two friends sit together in silence and walk away feeling that they had the best conversation ever". You never realise how true it is until you have experienced it and if you have you are one of the lucky few in the world.
We hope with all our heart that we stay close forever but more often than not our hopes just turn into disappointment. Granted.. You have your fights, you hurt each other with sharp words and there would have been times when you think.. "Doesn't she ever understand how I care about her? And for all this care is it too much to expect atleast half of that back?"
Lots of people talk about being selfless.What they don't realise is that just expecting a person to care for us because we care a lot about them is one of the most taxing demands one can place on any relationship and one of the most selfish. It doesn't matter that we dont want other things from them. Nothing beats the moment when you come to know the person you feel so deeply about feels the same way about you too.Knowing that leads to other expectations..that we be the first person that they share things with,laugh with, cry with and sometimes we come to expect that they must put us before everyone else simply because no one cares so much about them.
It always is a matter of pride for someone to be able to tell that there is nothing that we do not know about the person they love. Be that as it may if the luxury of having that pride costs us the one they love is it really necessary? Is personal space important between two people who are very close or does wanting personal space mean that you don't trust the other person completely? I think it all depends on how you define trust. To quote.."If someone you love lies to you it isn't their fault. It is yours for it means that you did not give them enough space to tell the truth."
In the end, no matter how much you love someone, how much you care and how much you give everyone is an individual with their one likes and dislikes,preferences,fancies whims and plain quirks. If they give in to your wishes most times it is because they put your happiness above theirs and the fact that they do so is all the more reason for you to love them even more. There are times when what they want is completely different from what you want and it may aggravate you in no small measure especially when we know that this is the one thing in which they are not willing to put their desires behind yours. Does this totally negate all that they have done for you in the past? It doesn't and it should not too.
If you really care about a person the best thing you can do is this...Look out for them,if you see they are about to stumble into something that ll cause them pain warn them once gently. If they persist don't pressure them to change, dont ever say that you ll stop caring if they dont listen. Let that not be a knife hanging over their heads for it ll only lead them to feel as if their very soul is being slowly crushed out of them and most importantly if they do fall and get hurt resist the urge to tell "I told you so." Be there for them until they feel better and are confident of facing the world again. True.. This isn't the easiest thing to do if you see them getting hurt and they could have avoided the pain just by listening to you. But then who said being selfless was easy?
Until next time...
"If you love something so much let it go free. If it comes back to you it is yours to keep if not it was never yours to begin with."

Sunday, May 17, 2009

My first day of blogging and I am pretty sure I ll be a blogging addict soon. I just could not stop trying to edit my posts and view my posts change my profile.. you get the idea. That explains my second post in a few hours and who knows there may be more by the end of the day. Maybe its just the attraction of the new or maybe not. I also came across a lot of interesting blogs and I really loved a few of them. I really dont know how I missed blogging all these days. Am quite glad I got into it atleast now.
Just a few hours of reading people's blogs made me realise that there are a lot of people out there whose experiences are similar to mine though I must say some of them handled those experiences in a way which I would have never thought possible. Makes me wonder about some of the choices I made. This has always been a habit of mine.. deciding something and then agonising endlessly over whether or not I made the right choice for myself. There have always been people around me who have patiently listened to all my troubled feelings and that in turn gave me courage to face whatever my choice led to. These people, my friends and family meant well no doubt about that but then if I had perhaps been bold enough to take a risk on some things despite the well meaning advice of those closest to me I would have had atleast the satisfaction of trying my best. When we make a choice sometimes we can go back and sometimes that road is closed forever.
For as long as I remember I have always wanted to be an astronaut. Space with all its mysteries and its splendour is something that holds me spellbound everytime I read something about it. It was my father who first introduced me to the worlds of the stars and planets. Our home is near the foot hills of a mountain and it was a suburb area with hardly any houses around though it has changed much now. There used to be frequent power cuts in the area and all those times my father used to take me out in the verandah and point out all the stars, the constellations, the bright planets sometimes and I still remember the way in which he explained why the moon changed shape. And so with each day I was determined to travel to space. Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to become I never hesitated. "I am going to be an astronaut".
Soon enough, my twelfth standard examinations came along. I scored enough to know that I ll get admission in a prestigious college and the best of all.. I knew I would get a seat for aeronautical engineering. Before counselling was due to begin, I talked to professors and other people. Most of them advised me against aeronautical engineering saying that it did not have job opportunities, that its not suitable for a girl and that you had to do research work to be really respected. I could always go in for it in my post graduation if I was still interested. I did not want to take the risk either of not being able to sustain myself because I took aeronautical engineering. And so as was the norm of every student who scored good enough marks then I chose Computer Science. I try my best to do well here but if there is one thing that this course taught me it was that no matter how hard you work if your heart is not really in it it does not matter. Your results and accomplishments never match the effort you put in because what you do is not what you want to do and also because it is not something that you gives you peace of mind and happiness.
Once or twice I happened to go to that college in which I wanted to join but I never had the heart to pass by the aeronautical department. Somehow it made me sad to see it as if it was a symbol of something that I had lost and will never ever get back. When I read in the newspapers about a student saying he/she is going to take up aeronautical engineering i feel a little pang. Maybe a little jealous too. I am quite aware that this was a choice that I had made by myself. I had full freedom in deciding my course but then maybe I was just too afraid to take a risk to follow my dream. There is no use in blaming others for my choice and the responsibility is completely mine. If I had had the courage then what I have now things would have been different and I would not have been writing this.
I still plan on taking up aerospace in my post graduation but I am really not sure how it ll work out. Somewhere along the way I feel that I have lost the bright eyed enthusiastic girl who used to speak of stars all the time but I do hope I ll be able to find that girl again.

Until next time...
The saddest thing in life is to stand at the end of it and think of the words "I should have,I must have and I could have"....

I thought I ll be typing away as soon as I created my blog.. But then I realized its not as easy to express what you feel as it is to feel them. I just wanted to share what I felt with people and maybe find like minded persons who think on the same line as I do. To be quite frank I don't have detailed plans of what I am going to share on this blog. Just the things that cross my mind on a daily basis and make me go "Is it only me or are there other people who think in such a weird way?"

A little about me..I am a girl who likes to think or should i say feel a lot. I really hate decisions because they always make me feel so confused. It is one thing to "do the right thing" and quite another to live with it. What would you do when you know taking a particular decision is the correct course of action but you also know it ll tear you apart when you think of living with the decision? Not many are sympathetic with this kind of confusion. They tend to think it means that you are weak. I don't feel so though. It depends.. sometimes when you give up on someone or something maybe you were so very close to getting that someone or something.. Yes, there will be times when we are so frustrated and alone and we think all our efforts for so long does not matter and it pains us to see what we want so close and yet so far.. But the question is always how much you are willing to endure for something that you love isn't it? As far as people are concerned I believe very strongly in second third.... well lots of chances until something inside tells me that I can no longer allow what I feel to go unnoticed disregarded and just plain neglected..
Another thing that I love the most is to listen to people. I do like to pride myself on knowing what someone would feel in a certain situation and why people act the way they do. It is not always easy to adjust to people even if you do understand why they say and do certain things. I am not really sure if this is a good or a bad quality because I never seem to be able to get angry at people. Putting myself in their shoes most of the times I can't see any wrong in their actions except that maybe they could have been a little more considerate of others and less selfish in their actions..
Basically this is who I am.. As for my other interests a major one is books. Somehow I have found that reading a good book seems to take you out of reality for a while and it gives you power to reach into those deep and dark places of your heart that you never even knew existed. Rain that is another thing that I love. There is something about the gathering clouds,the smell of the wet earth and the soft falling of the raindrops that has fascinated me ever since I was a little girl. If someone were to ask me to describe my perfect moment it would probably be this.."To sit in a plush chair with a steaming cup of chocolate in my hand and a wonderful book whose pages still smell of fresh print and to sit by the window watching the rain outside"..
Well that went longer than expected..Anyway I guess thats it for my first post and until next time(which I hope will be pretty soon)

Keep smiling for you never know who is falling in love with your smile...

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