Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Have you ever felt down suddenly for no reason at all? You keep thinking as to what caused this hoping that if you found the reason you would feel better but instead all that you found were a dozen more reasons why you should be miserable? It happens to me quite often and it isn't always easy coming out from the deep places I fall into so easily..
I just kept thinking about it and then I felt.."Wouldn't it be easier if we could just speak out what we feel regardless of how it may make us look in other's eyes?". There are a few fortunate souls who do just that and also manage not to alienate anyone in the way. Expressing what you feel is really an art. Not many can speak out frankly,make their feelings heard and not leave a few broken hearts because of the words they spoke and even fewer people express their hurt because we don't have the courage to let others know that they have the power to hurt us. Most of us feel the longer we dwell on something that hurt us the weaker we are.
We may accept that we were hurt but sooner or later we tell everyone who knows it that we have gotten over it. And so we go on, with a big bright smile but inside it just hurts as much as ever. It never seems to get over completely. Memories are really a curse at such times. Maybe those memories are about a friend who you have lost touch with as you got busy with your life or maybe it is someone whom you loved and lost. It doesn't take much for all those memories to come rushing forward..
A song that you both enjoyed, a joke that you shared with your friend, when someone says the same thing that they used to, when you pass the place where you sat together for hours and shared your darkest secrets,the silly things you giggled over, the little looks you shared when someone said something amusing, when you have to do something alone which you have always shared doing with them in the past, even when someone so casually mentions their name without even knowing that you carry so many of their memories. It hurts so much that sometimes we wish there was some place where we can escape to where memories just don't exist.
There is so much we leave unsaid. Why we do so is not much of a mystery. Sometimes it is because we don't want to take the risk of getting hurt when they don't reciprocate what we feel, sometimes it is because you feel "Why should they know what I feel? They don't give a damn either way." or maybe the reason is that what you felt about them is changed forever as a result of how much you were hurt or because you want to show them that you can manage quite well without them to share things with.
No matter how much hurt we were, it fades with time. Only the time varies. "Time heals all wounds" maybe a cliche but there is no cliche which is more true than this is. There is a time when you are so angry and upset because someone you trusted hurt you so much but it passes. You may not feel the same way about them again but you start thinking about lots of "What ifs". What if I had taken more time to be with them, what if I had showed them clearly that I care instead of treating them as mind readers, what if I had been a little more patient instead of throwing out harsh words in a hurry, what if I had taken a risk and let them know how I felt knowing that they may not feel the same?" The list is endless.
When the wounds are raw there is nothing you want more than to get away from them but there will be a time when you just want to find out how they are doing. You may not want to be as close as you once were but then if you had truly cared about someone you always will and its hard to wish them harm even if they hurt you. But sometimes it is too late.
Things are damaged beyond repair and you know to even show that you dont wish them harm only degrades you because you never were as important and special to them as they were to you. But there will definitely be persons whom you lost because you were too scared to speak about what you felt.. In taking that risk you will always come out on top because if they do care about you they will be truly glad that you took the effort to show them that and perhaps you will earn a person who stays by you throughout your life and if they don't care you will have atleast the satisfaction of knowing that you put your best into the relationship and there is nothing that you could have done more. It may not be easy to move on but as I said we all learn in due time to live with the pain. Better that then having our life turn out to be an endless string of "What ifs"....
Until next time...
"What you feel about someone is better as words said to them than as words that just run through your heart when they are no longer with you.."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When you love someone deeply and they are everything you have dreamed of it never crosses your mind that some day things may change. They are your best friends, they stay by your side and the best thing of all it isn't necessary that you have to tell them what you feel. They just sense it. Being with them you feel silence is the best form of communication. I once read somewhere.. "True friendship is when two friends sit together in silence and walk away feeling that they had the best conversation ever". You never realise how true it is until you have experienced it and if you have you are one of the lucky few in the world.
We hope with all our heart that we stay close forever but more often than not our hopes just turn into disappointment. Granted.. You have your fights, you hurt each other with sharp words and there would have been times when you think.. "Doesn't she ever understand how I care about her? And for all this care is it too much to expect atleast half of that back?"
Lots of people talk about being selfless.What they don't realise is that just expecting a person to care for us because we care a lot about them is one of the most taxing demands one can place on any relationship and one of the most selfish. It doesn't matter that we dont want other things from them. Nothing beats the moment when you come to know the person you feel so deeply about feels the same way about you too.Knowing that leads to other expectations..that we be the first person that they share things with,laugh with, cry with and sometimes we come to expect that they must put us before everyone else simply because no one cares so much about them.
It always is a matter of pride for someone to be able to tell that there is nothing that we do not know about the person they love. Be that as it may if the luxury of having that pride costs us the one they love is it really necessary? Is personal space important between two people who are very close or does wanting personal space mean that you don't trust the other person completely? I think it all depends on how you define trust. To quote.."If someone you love lies to you it isn't their fault. It is yours for it means that you did not give them enough space to tell the truth."
In the end, no matter how much you love someone, how much you care and how much you give everyone is an individual with their one likes and dislikes,preferences,fancies whims and plain quirks. If they give in to your wishes most times it is because they put your happiness above theirs and the fact that they do so is all the more reason for you to love them even more. There are times when what they want is completely different from what you want and it may aggravate you in no small measure especially when we know that this is the one thing in which they are not willing to put their desires behind yours. Does this totally negate all that they have done for you in the past? It doesn't and it should not too.
If you really care about a person the best thing you can do is this...Look out for them,if you see they are about to stumble into something that ll cause them pain warn them once gently. If they persist don't pressure them to change, dont ever say that you ll stop caring if they dont listen. Let that not be a knife hanging over their heads for it ll only lead them to feel as if their very soul is being slowly crushed out of them and most importantly if they do fall and get hurt resist the urge to tell "I told you so." Be there for them until they feel better and are confident of facing the world again. True.. This isn't the easiest thing to do if you see them getting hurt and they could have avoided the pain just by listening to you. But then who said being selfless was easy?
Until next time...
"If you love something so much let it go free. If it comes back to you it is yours to keep if not it was never yours to begin with."

Sunday, May 17, 2009

My first day of blogging and I am pretty sure I ll be a blogging addict soon. I just could not stop trying to edit my posts and view my posts change my profile.. you get the idea. That explains my second post in a few hours and who knows there may be more by the end of the day. Maybe its just the attraction of the new or maybe not. I also came across a lot of interesting blogs and I really loved a few of them. I really dont know how I missed blogging all these days. Am quite glad I got into it atleast now.
Just a few hours of reading people's blogs made me realise that there are a lot of people out there whose experiences are similar to mine though I must say some of them handled those experiences in a way which I would have never thought possible. Makes me wonder about some of the choices I made. This has always been a habit of mine.. deciding something and then agonising endlessly over whether or not I made the right choice for myself. There have always been people around me who have patiently listened to all my troubled feelings and that in turn gave me courage to face whatever my choice led to. These people, my friends and family meant well no doubt about that but then if I had perhaps been bold enough to take a risk on some things despite the well meaning advice of those closest to me I would have had atleast the satisfaction of trying my best. When we make a choice sometimes we can go back and sometimes that road is closed forever.
For as long as I remember I have always wanted to be an astronaut. Space with all its mysteries and its splendour is something that holds me spellbound everytime I read something about it. It was my father who first introduced me to the worlds of the stars and planets. Our home is near the foot hills of a mountain and it was a suburb area with hardly any houses around though it has changed much now. There used to be frequent power cuts in the area and all those times my father used to take me out in the verandah and point out all the stars, the constellations, the bright planets sometimes and I still remember the way in which he explained why the moon changed shape. And so with each day I was determined to travel to space. Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to become I never hesitated. "I am going to be an astronaut".
Soon enough, my twelfth standard examinations came along. I scored enough to know that I ll get admission in a prestigious college and the best of all.. I knew I would get a seat for aeronautical engineering. Before counselling was due to begin, I talked to professors and other people. Most of them advised me against aeronautical engineering saying that it did not have job opportunities, that its not suitable for a girl and that you had to do research work to be really respected. I could always go in for it in my post graduation if I was still interested. I did not want to take the risk either of not being able to sustain myself because I took aeronautical engineering. And so as was the norm of every student who scored good enough marks then I chose Computer Science. I try my best to do well here but if there is one thing that this course taught me it was that no matter how hard you work if your heart is not really in it it does not matter. Your results and accomplishments never match the effort you put in because what you do is not what you want to do and also because it is not something that you gives you peace of mind and happiness.
Once or twice I happened to go to that college in which I wanted to join but I never had the heart to pass by the aeronautical department. Somehow it made me sad to see it as if it was a symbol of something that I had lost and will never ever get back. When I read in the newspapers about a student saying he/she is going to take up aeronautical engineering i feel a little pang. Maybe a little jealous too. I am quite aware that this was a choice that I had made by myself. I had full freedom in deciding my course but then maybe I was just too afraid to take a risk to follow my dream. There is no use in blaming others for my choice and the responsibility is completely mine. If I had had the courage then what I have now things would have been different and I would not have been writing this.
I still plan on taking up aerospace in my post graduation but I am really not sure how it ll work out. Somewhere along the way I feel that I have lost the bright eyed enthusiastic girl who used to speak of stars all the time but I do hope I ll be able to find that girl again.

Until next time...
The saddest thing in life is to stand at the end of it and think of the words "I should have,I must have and I could have"....

I thought I ll be typing away as soon as I created my blog.. But then I realized its not as easy to express what you feel as it is to feel them. I just wanted to share what I felt with people and maybe find like minded persons who think on the same line as I do. To be quite frank I don't have detailed plans of what I am going to share on this blog. Just the things that cross my mind on a daily basis and make me go "Is it only me or are there other people who think in such a weird way?"

A little about me..I am a girl who likes to think or should i say feel a lot. I really hate decisions because they always make me feel so confused. It is one thing to "do the right thing" and quite another to live with it. What would you do when you know taking a particular decision is the correct course of action but you also know it ll tear you apart when you think of living with the decision? Not many are sympathetic with this kind of confusion. They tend to think it means that you are weak. I don't feel so though. It depends.. sometimes when you give up on someone or something maybe you were so very close to getting that someone or something.. Yes, there will be times when we are so frustrated and alone and we think all our efforts for so long does not matter and it pains us to see what we want so close and yet so far.. But the question is always how much you are willing to endure for something that you love isn't it? As far as people are concerned I believe very strongly in second third.... well lots of chances until something inside tells me that I can no longer allow what I feel to go unnoticed disregarded and just plain neglected..
Another thing that I love the most is to listen to people. I do like to pride myself on knowing what someone would feel in a certain situation and why people act the way they do. It is not always easy to adjust to people even if you do understand why they say and do certain things. I am not really sure if this is a good or a bad quality because I never seem to be able to get angry at people. Putting myself in their shoes most of the times I can't see any wrong in their actions except that maybe they could have been a little more considerate of others and less selfish in their actions..
Basically this is who I am.. As for my other interests a major one is books. Somehow I have found that reading a good book seems to take you out of reality for a while and it gives you power to reach into those deep and dark places of your heart that you never even knew existed. Rain that is another thing that I love. There is something about the gathering clouds,the smell of the wet earth and the soft falling of the raindrops that has fascinated me ever since I was a little girl. If someone were to ask me to describe my perfect moment it would probably be this.."To sit in a plush chair with a steaming cup of chocolate in my hand and a wonderful book whose pages still smell of fresh print and to sit by the window watching the rain outside"..
Well that went longer than expected..Anyway I guess thats it for my first post and until next time(which I hope will be pretty soon)

Keep smiling for you never know who is falling in love with your smile...

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