Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Reaching out....

Have you ever felt down suddenly for no reason at all? You keep thinking as to what caused this hoping that if you found the reason you would feel better but instead all that you found were a dozen more reasons why you should be miserable? It happens to me quite often and it isn't always easy coming out from the deep places I fall into so easily..
I just kept thinking about it and then I felt.."Wouldn't it be easier if we could just speak out what we feel regardless of how it may make us look in other's eyes?". There are a few fortunate souls who do just that and also manage not to alienate anyone in the way. Expressing what you feel is really an art. Not many can speak out frankly,make their feelings heard and not leave a few broken hearts because of the words they spoke and even fewer people express their hurt because we don't have the courage to let others know that they have the power to hurt us. Most of us feel the longer we dwell on something that hurt us the weaker we are.
We may accept that we were hurt but sooner or later we tell everyone who knows it that we have gotten over it. And so we go on, with a big bright smile but inside it just hurts as much as ever. It never seems to get over completely. Memories are really a curse at such times. Maybe those memories are about a friend who you have lost touch with as you got busy with your life or maybe it is someone whom you loved and lost. It doesn't take much for all those memories to come rushing forward..
A song that you both enjoyed, a joke that you shared with your friend, when someone says the same thing that they used to, when you pass the place where you sat together for hours and shared your darkest secrets,the silly things you giggled over, the little looks you shared when someone said something amusing, when you have to do something alone which you have always shared doing with them in the past, even when someone so casually mentions their name without even knowing that you carry so many of their memories. It hurts so much that sometimes we wish there was some place where we can escape to where memories just don't exist.
There is so much we leave unsaid. Why we do so is not much of a mystery. Sometimes it is because we don't want to take the risk of getting hurt when they don't reciprocate what we feel, sometimes it is because you feel "Why should they know what I feel? They don't give a damn either way." or maybe the reason is that what you felt about them is changed forever as a result of how much you were hurt or because you want to show them that you can manage quite well without them to share things with.
No matter how much hurt we were, it fades with time. Only the time varies. "Time heals all wounds" maybe a cliche but there is no cliche which is more true than this is. There is a time when you are so angry and upset because someone you trusted hurt you so much but it passes. You may not feel the same way about them again but you start thinking about lots of "What ifs". What if I had taken more time to be with them, what if I had showed them clearly that I care instead of treating them as mind readers, what if I had been a little more patient instead of throwing out harsh words in a hurry, what if I had taken a risk and let them know how I felt knowing that they may not feel the same?" The list is endless.
When the wounds are raw there is nothing you want more than to get away from them but there will be a time when you just want to find out how they are doing. You may not want to be as close as you once were but then if you had truly cared about someone you always will and its hard to wish them harm even if they hurt you. But sometimes it is too late.
Things are damaged beyond repair and you know to even show that you dont wish them harm only degrades you because you never were as important and special to them as they were to you. But there will definitely be persons whom you lost because you were too scared to speak about what you felt.. In taking that risk you will always come out on top because if they do care about you they will be truly glad that you took the effort to show them that and perhaps you will earn a person who stays by you throughout your life and if they don't care you will have atleast the satisfaction of knowing that you put your best into the relationship and there is nothing that you could have done more. It may not be easy to move on but as I said we all learn in due time to live with the pain. Better that then having our life turn out to be an endless string of "What ifs"....
Until next time...
"What you feel about someone is better as words said to them than as words that just run through your heart when they are no longer with you.."

1 Comment:

  1. Venkatanathan said...
    I Agree... Love MUST to be requited... When it is not.. it hurts, pierces our heart, kills... But, it is up to the other person to realize this. You can do what you can do, you can't do things for that person... But, yearning for his realization, which may or may not happen at all... What can we do? Just wait, with the bleeding heart! Coz, it is hard to take the other choice, of forgetting them.. coz you love them!...

Post a Comment