Sunday, May 17, 2009

My first day of blogging and I am pretty sure I ll be a blogging addict soon. I just could not stop trying to edit my posts and view my posts change my profile.. you get the idea. That explains my second post in a few hours and who knows there may be more by the end of the day. Maybe its just the attraction of the new or maybe not. I also came across a lot of interesting blogs and I really loved a few of them. I really dont know how I missed blogging all these days. Am quite glad I got into it atleast now.
Just a few hours of reading people's blogs made me realise that there are a lot of people out there whose experiences are similar to mine though I must say some of them handled those experiences in a way which I would have never thought possible. Makes me wonder about some of the choices I made. This has always been a habit of mine.. deciding something and then agonising endlessly over whether or not I made the right choice for myself. There have always been people around me who have patiently listened to all my troubled feelings and that in turn gave me courage to face whatever my choice led to. These people, my friends and family meant well no doubt about that but then if I had perhaps been bold enough to take a risk on some things despite the well meaning advice of those closest to me I would have had atleast the satisfaction of trying my best. When we make a choice sometimes we can go back and sometimes that road is closed forever.
For as long as I remember I have always wanted to be an astronaut. Space with all its mysteries and its splendour is something that holds me spellbound everytime I read something about it. It was my father who first introduced me to the worlds of the stars and planets. Our home is near the foot hills of a mountain and it was a suburb area with hardly any houses around though it has changed much now. There used to be frequent power cuts in the area and all those times my father used to take me out in the verandah and point out all the stars, the constellations, the bright planets sometimes and I still remember the way in which he explained why the moon changed shape. And so with each day I was determined to travel to space. Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to become I never hesitated. "I am going to be an astronaut".
Soon enough, my twelfth standard examinations came along. I scored enough to know that I ll get admission in a prestigious college and the best of all.. I knew I would get a seat for aeronautical engineering. Before counselling was due to begin, I talked to professors and other people. Most of them advised me against aeronautical engineering saying that it did not have job opportunities, that its not suitable for a girl and that you had to do research work to be really respected. I could always go in for it in my post graduation if I was still interested. I did not want to take the risk either of not being able to sustain myself because I took aeronautical engineering. And so as was the norm of every student who scored good enough marks then I chose Computer Science. I try my best to do well here but if there is one thing that this course taught me it was that no matter how hard you work if your heart is not really in it it does not matter. Your results and accomplishments never match the effort you put in because what you do is not what you want to do and also because it is not something that you gives you peace of mind and happiness.
Once or twice I happened to go to that college in which I wanted to join but I never had the heart to pass by the aeronautical department. Somehow it made me sad to see it as if it was a symbol of something that I had lost and will never ever get back. When I read in the newspapers about a student saying he/she is going to take up aeronautical engineering i feel a little pang. Maybe a little jealous too. I am quite aware that this was a choice that I had made by myself. I had full freedom in deciding my course but then maybe I was just too afraid to take a risk to follow my dream. There is no use in blaming others for my choice and the responsibility is completely mine. If I had had the courage then what I have now things would have been different and I would not have been writing this.
I still plan on taking up aerospace in my post graduation but I am really not sure how it ll work out. Somewhere along the way I feel that I have lost the bright eyed enthusiastic girl who used to speak of stars all the time but I do hope I ll be able to find that girl again.

Until next time...
The saddest thing in life is to stand at the end of it and think of the words "I should have,I must have and I could have"....

3 Comments:

  1. vaishu said...
    hey harini,
    great post.I almost had tears when I read urs.Your end of the post quote made me realize somthing today.I was so confused as to my MS and now after reading yours.I am going to try it.I will do it no matter how hard it is Harini.Mark my words...No more
    "what ifs?" in my life.
    swarna said...
    after reading ur post, i rememberd a similar situation once i had in my life harini.. wen i had to choose betn engg and b'arch... i got d same threats from around tat it doesn have good future.. no job options tis tat.. i cud have stood against all odds n took d decision.. but i dint.. but i don regret much coz i wud have missd all my valuable sweeet frnds then.. :)
    Venkatanathan said...
    What ever decision you made, what ever maybe you feel that you missed something.. I have only one thing to tell you, You have a sweet father, I FEEL, he is really a valuable possession of your life!! And, there I can assure you that, there is really something big in store for you in future in this Chosen path.. I believe!

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