Thursday, June 18, 2009

How far do you go?

It has been a long time since my last post. I am still not sure why I didnt post for so long. Maybe its because I had too many things going on around me that I needed some time to just make sense of things. When I finally got down to writing, I kept wondering what I should write about and since I am a person ruled by emotions I thought thats what I should speak about
The past few weeks have been a complete whirlwind of emotions. Anger, sorrow, helplessness, fear, confusion and rarely very rarely that is, a glimmer of hope. It doesn't help at all sometimes being caught between a rock and a hard place.All those things made me think.. "Is emotion worth all this trouble? Don't emotions cloud your mind? They make you hesitate exactly at the moment when you should be taking a firm step forward"
Despite all such thoughts which come and go so often, especially when I am feeling so down at which times my most fervent prayer to every God is for a logical mind which can sort through situations and take the most sensible decision, I am basically someone who believes a lot in emotions. True there are times when I have hung on when I should have let go, when I sat and brooded over things I knew were long over and also times when people walked all over my feelings simply because I gave them one chance too many but all those times has not changed how I feel in any way.
There is nothing I dread more than to find that you have given someone too many chances and in the place where once affection and care and liking resided, you find that there is now pure contempt and indifference. It leads me to wonder if it is really possible to hate someone you once cared so much about. Well, as far as I am concerned it is possible when you come to find out that what you knew about the person was basically a lie and that there was nothing truthful in that relationship..But knowing that you were not at fault does nothing to make you feel better. On the contrary it only leaves you thinking " What else I could have done better?" Sometimes you know that that person does not merit even such thoughts and you understand that giving that person even a moment's thought is to degrade yourself. There is nothing wrong in trying your best to work out a relationship or stop a friendship from breaking apart even if it means that you have to put aside your insecurities and fears and show them how much you need and care for them inspite of your fear that they may not reciprocate.
What we may not realise is that there is a thin line between showing such deep care and foolishness. We try so hard and when all our efforts come to nothing we give up frustrated that a relationship we cared so much about is no longer what it was. It takes two hands to make a sound as is so often said but if you are foolish enough to try it with one there will be some sound no doubt but it is most likely the sound of your heart crying out in pain because it can take no more.There are times when you have to try your best because someone means so much to you and you feel that without them to share things with your life will be incomplete and you know that they hurt just as much as you inside. Such kind of people are those for whom you can walk to the ends of the earth.
On the other hand, there are people whom you care for so much but you end up being walked over on. You stay awake at nights because they felt bad and wanted someone to talk to, you remember their long lost friendships better than they do, you remember their daily schedules better than perhaps they ever will and you care about them so much that you give up all your small desires for them, desires as simple as them initiating reconcilation after a fight you have had. You ask for them to do it just once but they are so absorbed in themselves and their desires that you are left shedding tears in silence and you dont want to speak out as you dont want any irreparable things to happen. "I ll hold on a little longer.." is always what we feel. But when longer becomes forever your nights become hell as you struggle with having to be the one who always adjusts and the worst part.. they dont even realise your pain.
Such relationships are those out of which we have to walk out with our head held high.. We give up everything for them including our dignity, self respect turning away in silent tears when they so coldly stamp all over us yet they dont care. Such times are when we have to say " enough is enough". Yes, it is bound to be difficult at first when memories make you cry every now and then but it gets better and soon you will feel a sense of liberation that allows you to be who you really are. Ultimately it's upto us to understand that some people just aren't worth that much hurt. The sooner we realise that, the less hurt we are.

Until next time,
"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world; it's the beginning of a new life."

1 Comment:

  1. VIJITHA said...
    Awesome post harini... I could almost feel it. And this is very true!!

Post a Comment