Saturday, October 31, 2009

I haven't blogged for quite a while now. Perhaps I could offer reasons like being busy but the truth was that I was just running around like a headless chicken without having a clue about what I am doing. It seems like I am busy all the time without getting anything done. I wonder what is wrong.. Have I got my priorities all mixed up or is it just that I have really too many things to be done? What with the applications, my final year project, my recos, SOPs and in all the confusion CAT has crept up on me so fast. I won't offer excuses. I could have done more but I didn't which is starting to bug me as the D-day nears.


Realistically speaking,for now all I can hope for is to do my other management tests well. In the meanwhile I have my third internal assessments in which I should do really really well or end up with an even lower CG and there is hardly any respite between my internals and semesters. It really is a bugging semester and to top it all off, my resolve to be detached from all emotional tangles has hardly held firm. When will I ever learn not to be so emotional?

On a funnier note, one of my friends asked me why I blog about sad things all the time and if I had nothing happy to speak about. It was a real eye opener. My answer was " I think I express sadness more eloquently than happiness.." Stupid answer really..A promise I made myself then was that I would not speak about sad things all the time. Yet this is precisely what I have done this time too.Really can't help it :(

Update on TOEFL : I got 116 :)

Until next time,
Bella

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Have you ever felt so angry and helpless that all you want is to run away to some place where no one can hear you and scream all your frustration away? What is it that hurts so much when the people who mean so much to you simply ignore you? Should we be understanding when they have their problems? Even if it hurts when each action is a thorn in your heart reminding you that there are distinctions that you had convinced yourself didn't exist?

No one has any idea of how much it hurts to stand on the periphery and watch things go by without you. Does the fact that you are not vocal about what you feel an excuse to treat you as if you were invisible even when you make it obvious that you are furious? Is it too much to expect people you think are close to sit with you and talk? Is it wrong to get tired of asking people to share? Sharing is something that you want to do spontaneously with someone..If that spontaneity is missing from that person, is it any wonder that you start feeling reluctant?

Standing outside a circle is hard. Even more so when you realise that your anger, sorrow, indifference and assorted other feelings dont elicit a response. Expressing what you feel isn't an option when all that runs through your mind is "What the hell.. they don't give a damn anyway" when you wonder if you are the last priority in all that is going on at one time and at other times you think all that is raging inside you is nothing but an reflection of feeling sorry for yourself.. It makes you want to rage at everyone and run away to a place where you just don't have to feel anymore..

P.S. It feels really bad when you have to indulge yourself in virtual screaming when you know that a few bouts of one-one screaming will make the blues go away and perhaps, just perhaps solve everything.

Until next time,
Bella

Friday, October 9, 2009

TOEFL scare :(

I have my TOEFL exam tomorrow and to be honest, I dont think I have prepared as much as I could have. I dont know even now if I have prepared enough. I would run and hide somewhere if I get a bad score. The only thing that is keeping me away from a panic attack is that it is English based. I kept telling myself "Dont worry.. it is english.." but on the other hand now I wonder if I have been complacent..I am arguing both sides of the question now :( Symptoms of sliding into panic..

Hope I do well tomorrow..
Keeping fingers crossed,

Until next time,
Bella

Monday, October 5, 2009

  1. Why is that some people just skip over unpleasant things and pretend that it never happened? It seems as if they don't give a damn what the other person thinks anyway. Occupies a place in my list of "things I hate".
  2. Is it really true that if you are around happier and confident people that you feel better too? Or is it one of those weird pschyological things?
  3. Which is better- to be the last priority to people you love and care about a lot or to have no one to either care for or care about you at all?
  4. Why is that that people who understand your silence and denials that your "nothing is wrong" indeed means "something is wrong" so few and so hard to come by?
  5. It is scary to tell what we feel in the deepest corners of our heart. Is it wrong to expect those closest to us to take initiative atleast until we are sure enough?
  6. Why is that something nags you inside, as if something is missing, someone could have said more, done more even when part of you knows it is stupid to expect everyone to be an literal antenna picking up whatever you feel?
  7. Last but not the least, why does it hurt so much when reminded of a friendship you had lost but thought you had gotten over with.. even when you know it was the best thing to have done what you did at that time?
Until next time,
Bella

Friday, October 2, 2009

As far as outings go, today is one of the days I will surely cherish for a long time to come. It was ( as of when I am writing this, it still is ) Rev's bday. It bears the dubious distinction of the birthday baby knowing everything from the gift we planned to get to the place we planned to go. in fact, she was the person who suggested the place :P

We started out at nearly ten. Took a bus to Dakshin Chitra on the ECR road. The travel would have been fun if we had not been standing for the whole time. The journey became even more irritating because of one person on the bus. Seriously I never understand why people want to broadcast their whole life while speaking on mobile. In half an hour, I think I knew almost all her family's problems. Literally felt like snatching the cell phone and throwing it out of the window. At such times I can't decide if cell phones are a convenience or a nuisance.

Our time in Dakshin Chitra can be divided into two unequal parts.. Shopping and sight seeing. Shopping being the greater part :P I was under the impression that we ll just shop around for a while and move on but the shops were really irresistable. No matter how hard we tried, the shops seemed to exert an inexplicable pull on us and not to mention our purses which shed a lot of weight :)

We bought a lot of things.. Walked around and around the same shop.. The best part was not the buying in itself but the bargaining. It was so much fun naming a price nowhere near what the shopkeeper originally quoted and watch him getting down to that price. Finally we decided we weren't going to see any of the houses there if we stayed there and somehow dragged ourselves away from the shops. It is really a must see place for someone who loves culture and history.

There were a lot of fun activities there too- basket weaving, mehendi , pottery, prediction and so many more... Basket weaving was fun. I didn't do it personally but two of my friends, Swarna and Krithika did and it was fun watching them do it. I really regretted forgetting my camera :( The patti who was supposed to teach us how to weave sure talked a lot :) we didn't get to do too many of those activities. This time our stomach exerted an explicable pull on us. All that activity and we were famished. Had a great lunch or perhaps it tasted great just because we were so hungry.

With our stomach full now, we found enough strength for few more rounds of bargaining. And we bought a whole lot more. Nothing highlights our purchase better than the words of the shopkeeper who said he was going to pack up his shop and go home because he had enough sales for one day !!

And that was it for the day. Tired and exhausted, we trudged back. Undoubtedly one of the best days ever :)

P.S. I had an AIMCAT today. Not much to tell about that though. :P

Until next time,
Bella

;;